Are you the type of guy that really is “the prize”?
20 minute read | Adam Aleksandrowicz
If you’ve followed a lot of the “advice for men” section of the internet you’d notice how the space has a tendency to warn you against certain ‘types’ of women and the inherent risks men face in dating, long term relationships and marriage. Single mums, girls with a lot of piercings or tattoos, poor or non existent relationship with her father are the types of red flag warnings best steered away from.
Much of this is broadly sound advice and something great to have on your radar. Yes, there are some clear indicators which if you blatantly ignore can mean you’ll more likely suffer a relationship meltdown. Sure, it’s not exactly ideal to marry the first stripper who takes an interest in you or propose to a girl on OnlyFans. If she’s pregnant in her Tinder bio then something small might be up that you’d want to avoid.
An absence of masculine presence in a woman’s upbringing can cause a later resentment against strong men, as it’s natural to rebel against any masculinity they come into contact with because they’re infinitely re-enacting the unresolved conflict they have with their fathers. But this doesn’t mean a woman only raised by her mum isn’t worth your time either.
I know I’m talking extremes here but the message I’m seeing is really more akin to a warning against women. Equally, if you took the advice literally then a lot of the rhetoric would mean you’d be near on avoiding women all together as you’re greatly reducing the potential inside the dating pool.
I get the sentiment, as men have a lot to risk. If you’re 10 years into a relationship and the partner you chose is a BDP schitzo who divorce rapes you and takes the kids away, then you’re likely to lose a lot financially and emotionally. Who wants that?
However, before you start to throw stones in glass houses and pedestalize yourself, have you stopped to consider how many red flags you have? Are you the type of guy that really is “the prize”?
In all seriousness, if you asked someone to measure the perceived value your bring to a relationship what would it be? Do you earn 150K+, have a solid asset base with a lot of career upside, are you fighting fit with less than 10% body fat and lots of defined lean muscle, is your wardrobe on point with well fitted clothes, are you charming socially with a network of interesting friends who want to be around you?
Are you a solid 8 or 9 outta 10 or are you actually conflating your worth via ego?
I think it’s great we have a bunch of characteristics which we’ve understood lead to less successful relationships with women, but I’m a firm believer that for you, there is more worth in striving to become a man of value rather than being overly critical of women.
This mindset is striving to be the best you, playing offence and not defense, playing to win.
This is important because when you become this, you become a man of immense raw value that a woman would never want to leave. But this all starts and ends with you.
I want you to flip the script for a moment and think about yourself and what you could bring to a relationship. What blind spots don’t you see that cause others to want to avoid you? What are YOUR daddy issues?
It’s only through this deeper understanding of ourselves that we can become focused on our shortcomings and improve. In the end, your main job as a man is to continually improve and build your value.
I’m going to dive a bit deeper here than the usual way men are evaluated based on their status. The focus on status is pretty easy to understand, i.e. have you got the big income stream, do you have chiseled looks, etc, but in my opinion only offers a partial view on what’s important for men.
It’s not any less important, but a focus solely on building yourself through chasing monetary or career excellence won’t make you top tier. Instead, I want you to think about how you measure up against these 4 things.
- How well do you trust yourself?
- Are you bold enough to not care what others think?
- How nice are you?
- Are you on auto pilot, or do you have a deep burning passion driving you for something bigger than yourself?
Confidence in men is a known aphrodisiac for women. But before this can become ingrained in your personality and part of who you are, you need to trust yourself. Credibility breeds trust, and trust is the precursor to confidence. TRUST is the means by which someone achieves confidence in something or themselves. Trust establishes that confidence.
The reason why it works this way is because you can’t be something you’re not. You can’t be confident in something you’re not good at. If I tried to play football on simply will alone (which I suck at), there’s no way I’m going to be good, regardless of how much confidence I pretend to project.
Why this important to you is in everyday social interactions, no one will be buying what you’re selling them if you’re a pretender or aren’t 100% real and authentic. If you really believe in yourself because you’ve done the work, then others will believe in you to.
The only way this works is to first earn trust in yourself, first earn your internal credibility by making small promises and keeping them. Once you’ve established a consistent pattern that you can’t fake, that trust will build and you’ll start buying into yourself more.
This can be on small or large scales but the key is to “earn” your self-esteem by working on something, pushing against adversity and actually doing the work.
I remember once being in the surf over in Indonesia. The conditions were heavy, like, if I come off here I’m going to get hurt kinda heavy. I watched a guy paddle deeper than anyone else to the inside and swing around when a big set came. The way he paddled was with such focused intent, with eyes locked on the prize while everyone else was paddling for safety.
What struck me most was when he swung and turned to paddle into this beast, he was already yelling at everyone to get out of his way. He hadn’t even caught it yet and was already claiming the wave as his. This much was clear, he trusted in his ability, his positioning and his equipment to back himself with enormous confidence.
Now this trust only comes from taking all of those smaller waves, making promises to yourself that you won’t back away when it’s tricky and tough, and following through when you need to.
Ironically, this is the same as talking to girls. Do you trust in yourself that you’ve got something to offer? Do you believe in what you’re doing? If you do, then the interaction is as seamless as pulling into that same heaving wave.
The take away in really simple terms, ‘don’t bullshit yourself’. Ask yourself “Are you trustable – do you trust yourself” – this is confidence defined. If this needs work then start by making the small promises to yourself that you religiously keep. You’ll then start to see the results.
If you’re shy, hesitant, or passive, you run the risk of leading a boring life marked by routine and unfulfilled goals. Most progress in the world has been led by people who were bold and who didn’t wait for opportunities, but instead created opportunities for themselves. Ask yourself, are you grabbing life by the balls and taking what you want from it? If you’re not, why would someone want to be with someone so boring?
Boldness refers largely to social boldness and speaks to a low fear of new, unfamiliar surroundings, high self-confidence, assertiveness, and little stress. With this theory I’ve learned that in dating there are a few different archetypes of men who do well with women:
— ROMANTIC type: Sexual, charming, a man that creates desire in women
— HERO type: Bold, masculine, a man who penetrates the world, carves his own successful path
A truly top tier man, has these characteristics in spades.
Understanding this early in life becomes immensely important as the distance you will go will often come down to the risks you take. For example, how afraid are you to say or do something which might offend or get a negative reaction? What if you approached that girl in the street and said something bold and daring to her?
I believe though that the boldness can all be acquired through practice. As an example, approaching girls and commenting on something about them is a really bold move. You can be REAL, and BOLD, and SEXUAL… even if you’re nervous. In fact, nervous beginners are great as I know this works with women purely on boldness alone.
But if you pretend, if you can’t believe in yourself, then women won’t either as they aren’t interested in pretenders.
One of the best “moves” I started doing was taking a girls hand and just putting it in my lap. You can do this in a surprising situations, including first dates, dinner dates (always sit side by side). It is surprisingly effective… because it’s bold.
Do your best. Be charming. Be enticing. Be unpredictable. Be bold.
When it comes to dating, I know a few very capable men, that don’t WAIT TO BE CHOSEN. Instead, they go after what they want with direct boldness. And it works because women love that quality in a man.
The Nice Guy
It’s only fitting that if you want to be exceptional, if you want to stand out and become truly top tier with your achievements, then you need to understand the Dark Triad traits of Narcissism, Machiavellianism, and Psychopathy and how they can be woven into your daily life.
While each of these traits carry very negative connotations, none are necessarily good or bad in their own right. But without a doubt though they are very very effective. There’s a reason why every CEO reads Machiavelli’s ‘The Prince’ and why they’ve ascended to that role. To be really successful you need “something else”.
Now I agree with you, this is not how we would like things to be. We don’t like to think of the ‘bad guy’ winning. That goes against all of our societal programming. We are taught the opposite. We are taught that through patience, tolerance, kindness and persistence the good guy wins in the end. Now whilst in rare cases they do, you can learn more from the character that was ruthless in his personal ascent to power than the guy who struggled for years to earn a simple promotion.
A word on Narcissism as this is where you should start your focus.
I do think it’s possible, desirable even, to maintain a pure core while using the same incendiary tools of battle that other, less scrupulous, people are already using.
Narcissism is a subtle but potent force that is discernable in every part of a man’s attitude and presentation, from the way that he walks, to the way he speaks to people, to the way he dresses, to the way he grooms himself. This is essentially thinking so highly of yourself that the dial is up to 11.
Irrational self-confidence is one of the greatest qualities a man can have. If you think you are a special gift to the world and project that vibe, most people are going to think there’s something behind it.
However, you need a foundation of trust in yourself for this to be believable to both yourself, or anyone else. You can become delusional with your own grandeur if left unchecked. But the fact is, women do love men who think very highly of themselves, yet remain calibrated and don’t overcompensate for their insecurities. Find balance with how hard you dial this up, but start thinking more of yourself. A lot more.
The cruel irony is that while the nice guys may be more realistic and more honest about their true market value than the narcissists, it is the latter who are going to be getting all the sex while the former sit in their bedrooms crying to Ed Sheeran records.
This is really your X factor, this is what makes you radically different. This is the deep burning passion within that constantly drives you towards something bigger than yourself. It’s this legacy you leave from your purpose that matters most and will determine whether you’re remembered long after you’re gone.
Your passion for purpose separates you from every other mindless drone driving on the highway to work every day.
It’s also the defining trait of self-made men who’ve carved a path for themselves and helped improve a part of the world. This is what gets you going when the weather is cold and bitter, what makes you skip eating or sleep, what you’d still do regardless if it meant you became single. The passion for this runs so deep in your veins, no one will stop you from doing what you need to do as a man.
I have a friend, who has drag racing in his blood. Ever since a young age his passion for cars was obsessive. Constantly modifying, enhancing and improving his ride so it was the best and fastest he could afford.
When he had enough money, he followed after his father and built his own drag car from a mixture of second hand parts and gear he had saved up for. What he had, he used, if it didn’t fit, he’d learn to weld well enough and fabricate parts himself. He’d do countless favors for guys doing the same projects, only to have that favor repaid when he needed something done too. Nothing was going to stop him from tearing down the quarter mile.
Then along the way, just like his dad before him, he became the president of a National drag racing club specializing in nostalgia era cars. He doubled the size of the club within 2 years, connecting people in the same circles and giving them a chance to join likeminded enthusiasts.
When drag strips started to close locally, he lobbied and organized meetings in other parts of the country, securing venues where his members could still run their cars. He’d arrange logistics, functions, merchandise, family days, all as a club president volunteer.
No, he didn’t change the world and invent the iPhone. What he did, was use his passion for motorsport to create an environment where others could enjoy their passions too. For him it’s more than just tinkering on the tools and making a car go fast. It was building a community where people could come together, swap parts, trade skills, share beers and stories, race their cars together and feel like they belong.
That club, those memories he helped create, the laughs and good times and wild quarter mile runs, were his purpose.
The idea behind this post is to make you think about how you can be different. How you can differentiate yourself and get into that real top tier bracket where other guys want to be you, and women want to be with you.
Hopefully you’ve seen it’s deeper than the obvious criteria of status, wealth and looks. Yes, these are important and also the way society works where men are looked at for their utility. But fortunately, the radical differentiation I’ve described above is none of these.
It’s the way you present yourself to the world. In fact it’s a mindset. And all of this can be learned if you’re willing to put in the effort.
How your trust turns into confidence, how you take risks to be more bold, how you start to think of yourself with a higher view, and how you direct your energy towards a greater purpose, these are available to all of us.
So get cracking, become that man of “top tier” value as there is simply no time left to lose.