Adam Aleksandrowicz | 8 minute read
One of the questions most asked by men of all ages, is actually the easiest to answer.
Entire studies have been the singlular focus on this topic. In fact, one of Sigmund Freud’s most famous quotes concerns his apparent inability to understand women so it’s a problem older than we know.
He wrote, “The great question that has never been answered, and which I have not yet been able to answer, despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, is ‘What does a woman want?”
Maybe, just maybe, Freud couldn’t answer this question because it was the wrong question? Or maybe he didn’t come at it from the right way, expecting that there WAS a single answer.
The ‘secret’, if there is such a thing, is that there is actually NO secret to how women work. In fact they are no more complex than you or I in the need to satisfy our basic wants and desires. We make it complicated by choosing to look for the an answer in a language only we understand.
The problem men have, even astute intellectuals like Freud, is that we approach this question with men’s logic attempting to make sense of something with the wrong set of tools.
In fact, we are so preoccupied with the mystery of women that we often look past the most obvious of answers, thinking that instead there must be a strange science behind their allure. I mean, how often have you caught yourself in a moment of frustration where you’ve put your hands in the air and said to her, “What do you want from me?”
I hear this question asked in such a bland, rhetorical way that I doubt men even care about the answer. Most men simply want to complain that women don’t get them, while never attempting to understand her to the point they deeply know what their women want. And the ones that do, are generally only trying to work this out so they can navigate female emotions well enough to ‘stay out of trouble’.
It’s rare that men try to understand the inner workings of the feminine so they’re really ‘good’ with women. When I say good, I mean to live abundantly alongside women, still achieving a life that they want while having a partner that supports them. Having a woman that will literally do anything for them out of true desire, not obligation.
This is not only rare, but if you master this then you put yourself into the top small percentage of men that have it all.
So to help put some of this into context and show what it means for you, I’ve assembled this list of thoughts from my experiences with women. I’ve distilled this down to the common traits which will be useful and practical to you as a man. Whilst different women will have varying degrees of personal emphasis on certain behaviors, they will ALL feature in a woman’s psyche.
Fun and Attention
In its most simplistic form, women are motivated by the fun and attention you bring. The nuance though, is under the guise of ‘what you bring’. It’s the attention that they crave, but it’s how you deliver and withhold that attention that separates most men from entering the class of ‘getting good with women’.
It bears repeating, but ALL women and I mean all women, want your attention.
In fact it’s so important, I believe you need to really view your attention as your currency. Where you spend it will determine the attraction.
To be brutal, Women will give you sex to get your attention and Men will give their attention to get access to sex.
Like any currency, you need to understand that if it’s not properly managed it can suffer from inflation and deflation. Its sounds clinical, but you need to have this more simplistic yet tactical approach to understand how women work and use this to have better experiences.
Investing too much attention goes against you, while not enough creates boredom and resentment. As a general rule, 2/3 rds of what she invests is what you invest in return. But the key is ensuring that your 2/3 rds is focused and present. It’s quality, not quantity she wants.
When I was dating, heck even when I was married and even in my current relationship, the one common reflection was how women are innately motivated by the fun and attention you bring. It’s the fuel they run on.
Conversely, women are repelled by boredom. If the only emotion you create in her is apathy, you’ll be forever chasing yourself. The more you can stimulate a feeling of ‘the fun being about her’, the more she’ll continue to crave your attention.
This is even more so for younger women. The women I’ve dated in their 20’s were never motivated by money or what you could buy them. Sure there are some materialistic exceptions but for most women, it’s the desire of being wanted and the attention they receive that goes along with the material gifts they get.
It’s not the “stuff”, but it’s the experience that goes along with it.
I’d even go as far to say, that women don’t specifically go after a man’s money. They’re not motivated by money itself, but rather the fun and the experience which money provides. So you don’t need a bunch of cash to get good with women, you need to spontaneously provoke emotions in her by making her laugh, being unpredictable, making her feel something. Guys who have more money can do this just that bit easier but don’t think it’s a necessity.
Women are generally uninterested in the specific cost of anything.
If you were to look at how most women approach money it’s nowhere near the same as men. Women who work are more focused on looking at how to work the least amount of hours rather than use any extra time to make more money. If given the choice of free time, they’d sooner opt for the rest of the week off than more of the same work.
Whilst a perverse truth, the truth none the less is that emotionally its easier for men to use women for sex than for women to use men for sex. Financially it’s easier for women to use men for money than for men to use women for money. Like a lot of things with inter gender relationship it doesn’t always make sense on face value, but it’s the way nature works.
Although it’s a necessary part of any relationship, I truly believe comfort and safety are overrated.
Yes they are necessary ingredients but they are not the special sauce to keeping her interested in wanting you. In fact I think the feelings you evoke through your frame far outweigh what you can provide in terms of financial resources.
Even the richest men in the world are getting divorced who provided ample comfort and safety. Materiality will only ever count for so much and it always has a ‘use-by’ date.
A better metric for understanding the gauge of what she wants is to look deeper at her emotions.
More specifically, the way you create these emotions in her. Even if she hates you momentarily, that’s still an emotion. I’m a believer that there are no good or bad emotions that you can cause a woman to feel. Ultimately, they’re all ‘good’. It’s only when she’s apathetic towards you that you’re done.
Whilst it’s not a domain I know from first-hand experience, I’ve seen enough friends and family bizarrely stay in toxic relationships to know that there’s a reason deeper than sound logic why women chose to stay in that environment. Sure, some of it is likely fear, some of it is an absence of options. However the point I’m making is that even chronically bad relationships serve an emotional need.
In fact within reason, you can say or do near on anything you want to a woman as long as you don’t bore her. Boredom is the single largest relationship killer yet the one least talked about. Women who become deeply dissatisfied in a relationship, end up cheating or leave, will commonly do so through emotional boredom.
The right kind of ATTENTION
I’ve said already that women don’t want the materiality of money. They’re just not driven like men to succeed financially and accumulate wealth. This is a very masculine trait and not something you typically associate with women. Sure I’m not being naive to think there aren’t examples of at the edges but for the most part, money as a means to an end isn’t a motivator for them.
You also need to dispel the myth of the underlying motivations behind gold digger women. It’s not the money they crave, but the experiences money can bring.
This is also important to understand when you’re constantly buying her things in an attempt to win your way into her heart. Women will know when you’re using cash as an emotional currency. If you want to buy her a surprise gift from time to time then great, I’m not saying to always keep your money in your pocket, just know that it counts for practically nothing.
But what most guys fail to realize is the incessant purchases are nothing more than covertly attempting to have her reciprocate. And this is weak behavior.
From my own observed experience with women, it’s fairly common that they tend to operate on a higher level of anxiety than men. You probably would too if your moods were constantly influenced by your emotions and immediate state of feelings.
Whilst most women would never come out and openly say it, the anxiety stems from a variety of self-esteem issues and a common desire of not wanting to be abandoned. Being the weaker sex, there is an in built safety mechanism that looks for emotional safety in men. Why do you think women won’t ever give you the real answer of how many men they’ve slept with but will tell their girlfriends all the details?
Women tend to struggle with responsibility for the decision they make. They fear being judged or held to any level of account for their actions. For her, the emotions she feels are her reality so practically anything she does can be justified away to a feeling at the time.
So the third quality women look for in men is to be deeply understood and accepted. This is one of things she absolutely craves. Every woman has a deep desire to be seen and appreciated by eyes that can truly see her. It sounds a bit mysterious, but it’s also very real as this is such a huge turn on for women.
This is why when you genuinely compliment her on something personal that she’s proud of, her attraction begins to elevate. However there is more to it than this.
It requires a man to be sensitive and present enough to see these essential aspects of her psyche, yet to also whether her storm.
Because women are prone to bouts of excessive emotionalism, they rely on men to be more emotionally resilient than they are. This is the need for a man to be steadfast under pressure, stoic, sometimes we refer to this as “holding frame.” As women are typically more indulgent of their emotional whims than are men, they implicitly look toward men as a stabilising force. (@TellYourSonThis)
Women crave a man who is masculine enough to see past her testing bluffs, past her mercurial moods, past her ego, and to lead her in a positive direction.
In this capacity a man often acts as a means for a woman to process her emotions, a kind of pressure valve or “rock in the storm”, one who endures a woman’s often excessive or otherwise disproportionate emotional reactions whilst remaining unaffected himself.
Nash from @DaysOfGame_com had a fantastic quote which sums this up well:
So “BEING SEEN” – isn’t repeating what she says. It’s seeing past what she “says” to what she really is, and how she wants to feel.
For me, this is having the skill to know what she needs, even before she does. Giving her what she needs and not what she wants sounds like raising children, but doing this well and doing this consistently is what makes women crave you.
The final “want” is a topic you’re unlikely to find on Google search. Yet this is probably the most important of all of her desires and secretly what she wants in a man. It’s also the reason why 50 Shades of Gray has sold the number of copies it has.
To quote the Riv, one of the good guys, the @alpharivelino :
“She wants to submit and surrender to a powerful man, to live in his world, to follow his guidance, to help him achieve his mission, to suck his cock, to inspire him, to be protected by him”
The part for you to focus on is the surrender and submission. All women, and I mean all women, want to surrender to a man worthy of her submission. Most girls love to be submissive both in the relationship and in the bedroom. Most girls love to be physically dominated in the bedroom…..but by the right man (@NielsKnk).
Because dominance is a form of leadership. Leadership comes with responsibility. The more dominant you are within a relationship, the greater your responsibility becomes. Not just in the bedroom but overall.
Her submission goes way beyond practical things like role patterns and making money. A truly submissive woman also expects you to take care of her emotional needs. She looks up to you for emotional guidance. You are expected to take the time to make sure she feels good.
To be dominant is also to serve her needs. She wants to submit and she wants to please you. Your dominance is a way of allowing her to do so. Your dominance has to be calibrated towards her submissiveness. Don’t rob her of that opportunity to please you.
Some final thoughts on what this means to you
Hopefully this has given you some insights into what women really want and what they don’t want.
For any of this to useful in the real world she must respect you. It doesn’t matter if her feelings oscillate between love and hate she has to have a deep underlying respect you for. And the best way to get this is the same way society respects men of value, it’s not only earned, by you need to be worthy of respect by refusing to take disrespect.
Woman want a man who will put up with very little shit from her. Ironically the tests are designed to weed out men who won’t protect her from herself.
They’re really not that complex once you start to look at their wants and desires from a different lens. In fact, it’s that male lens which not only blinds us when it comes to understanding women but also for a lot of things in life.
I’ve leave you with what I think is the perfect summary from a tweet by @PistolAndreas
Women want undivided attention and others to take care of them, like children
Women want excitement and to have fun, like teenagers.
Women want to be understood and heard, like adults.
Women want to be protected, like elderly people.
If you like the idea of becoming a man of raw value that women crave, then get a copy of my free eBook on how to Un-F*ck your Dead Bedroom