In all my years of helping men in relationships, I’ve found that the men who effortlessly generate attraction almost always had very high self worth and value. The fact that they remained this way demonstrated a willingness to constantly invest in themselves as the foundation of their attractiveness. For me it changed the rule book on how to be attractive, as this behavior is the polar opposite to what most men think generates emotional desire from the women in their lives.
You only need to look around you at examples within your social network to appreciate that what you do as a man, as in how you act, greatly impacts the way others perceive you. How often do you see the arrogant guys at your work who compensate for their insecurities by being too loud and obnoxious? This false veneer eventually gets seen right through and typically their viewed as unattractive assholes.
During this journey I’ve learned that Men earn their value through the positive actions and directions they take. It’s here, deep within your choices where attraction lives and dies.
The great thing about this part of attraction is that it’s all totally in your control. The posture of how you present yourself to the world can be fine-tuned and continually calibrated as you evolve. What you do and how you act has nothing to do with whether your genetics gifted you 6’4″ feet tall height with chiseled good looks. Conscious choices about your actions will only but enhance the way people perceive you. Remember, the attraction projected towards you is a direct result of how you project yourself.
The strategies I’ve found to work best in building relationship attraction are centered on being a man of value. I cannot emphasis enough on the current tense in the word ‘being’. This is not ‘became’ or ‘becoming’, meaning that it’s impossible to one day eventually arrive at a point or pass a finish line. You don’t immediately become valuable to women once you’ve got that pay rise or lost 2 kilograms. Building value in the world and in yourself actually never ends, as for us, there is no finish line.
The first thing to do – change your view on where to direct your efforts
Most men, myself included for a lot of my earlier years, think they need to be doing everything for her to make meaningful attraction last. It’s a mental narrative that has men literally falling over themselves to forcibly create a surplus of attraction based on good deeds.
Contrary to this belief system of how men think attraction works, in reality this couldn’t be further from the truth. Want to remain in a dead bedroom, then keep buying her flowers, keep doing the laundry, keep doing the dishes and keep telling her you’re doing all of these things for her.
Quite simply, women just don’t find this behavior attractive. For all of the thank you’s and smiles you’ll get from pushing a vacuum cleaner will actually go against you when you eventually try and cash in those chips for some bedroom desire.
Instead, your focus and results towards improving yourself will have more of a positive impact on your attractiveness.
I appreciate that this probably sounds like a strange thought bubble, but women will only be attracted to a man they see as having a higher sexual market value than her. Letting yourself slip to a point where she sees herself as being of more ‘value’ is a dangerous place to linger for too long. You only need to look at the behavior within affairs to see how women will risk their families, their friends and the risk of being ostracized by whole communities for the opportunity to be with a man of value that incites her passions and feelings. They make major sacrifices for the men they want in their lives because of this attraction.
This may sound defeatist and somewhat delving into a negative undertone, but with this knowledge comes great opportunity for you to focus on building that continual value. You see, a man who is acutely aware of the value he brings to the world is a dangerous commodity for a woman. A decisive man with an abundance of skills, i.e. social, in business or his profession, and with solid game, can maneuver himself to take advantage of any situation he pleases. This is both frightening and incredibly attractive for a woman. It’s this anxiety which will frame you as a man of worth, and her self-worth is associated with your value.
Before we get into the strategies, be aware that the game is always on. Your either consciously playing or your losing attraction, there is no in between. Her mind is constantly evaluating you, her options and what value you bring to the relationship. If the pendulum swings too far into her frame then you’ll be fighting into a headwind to bring it back as you’ll be in the danger zone of attraction. The best approach is to remind yourself that you will always be tested by her.
By being more social and interacting with people, you’ll learn to develop an inner GAME that both recognizes and passes the subconscious shit tests thrown your way. These skills are immensely useful across single, dating and married lives as well as at work and social settings. In fact, learning to navigate social situations through a use of game will make you attractive to everyone you come into contact with, even guys. The more confident you are in your delivery the more guys will respect as they’ll value parts of your honesty and character. When women see this it demonstrates immense value in her eyes. Solid game takes time and takes practice, but should be part of your arsenal of attraction.
Be spontaneous, be unpredictable
There is nothing that kills desire and attraction more than a routine of boring predictability. Ironically, it’s this pattern that creates a closeness and comfort which is absolutely necessary in a relationship, but the same routine can come at a cost to real bedroom fire. Instead, think differently about how to create novelty in your life and keep her guessing. The moment she thinks she’s got you all figured out, the feeling she’ll have for you will remain in the security and comfort arena and desire will suffer.
Some of the best strategies here can honestly be to just do the opposite of what you’d normally do. Normally leave for work every day at 7:30 am? Arrange a late start and grab a morning brew with her. But from experience, one of the best strategies is to arrange a quick overnight getaway. Tell her she has 5 minutes to pack a bag then you’re gone, kids, pets, etc they’ve all been sorted. Have everything already arranged for a dinner and night away (overnight!) somewhere the 2 of you have never been. No woman would deny herself the opportunity to be distracted by your direction and leadership.
You are responsible for YOU
Whilst you’re not responsible for her or anyone else’s happiness, don’t emasculate yourself away in an attempt to improve her happiness. This includes apologizing for your character and personality and taking on some of the responsibility for her problems.
What I’m talking about here is to actively balance your empathy and problem solving when it comes to tension. She doesn’t want you to be the fix it guy for everything she blurts out to you. As purple pill as it might sound, if you want to continue building a connection she can trust on, then you’ll need to listen. Being present and fully engaged is a huge thing for women. They can tell when your eyes glaze over and you drift off thinking about some meaningless task you still need to complete. Just the micro twitches in your eyes will give you away.
But be reasonable about how much of a dumping ground you want to be for emotional vomit. If it’s not directed at you for something you have or haven’t done, then give a time limit to how long you’ll let it run. I’ll usually allow 5 minutes of ranting before I ask, ‘would you like me to help you fix this?’ Oddly, having strong boundaries and frame like this shows that you’re a man of value and this is of course, attractive.
Humor is the ace up your sleeve
Watch and learn how comedians use humor to create emotions in people. If you can get the basic structure of how great comedians use improve and stand up to literally slay an audience, then you can pinch parts of the script and weave it into your repertoire. Start analyzing YouTube comedy (Bill Burr, Patrice O’Neal) instead of becoming a consumer of it. Once you have some basic techniques, then apply it to something currently happening in the news and riff on it.
The reason this can become lucratively attractive for you is because people will love the emotions you’re generating. You become the source of entertainment and people love that. It’s the funny guys who can tell stories that girls love and can’t get enough of. Start learning to be 1% of these dudes.
Be assertive in your convictions and decisions
Don’t sit on the fence and allow her to make the decisions that you can and should be making as the leader of the family. This is a cardinal sin of relationships as most women will be unconsciously trying to turn you into a servant. This is just the power struggle where she’s trying to have you operate in her frame.
I was talking to a colleague of mine who said that she was “so mentally fatigued from making all the damn decisions all of the time”. Allow this to happen enough and you’ll become domesticated to her and attraction will suffer.
Often this can also mean just picking the meal, picking the restaurant, picking the movie, picking the weekend activities and sticking to your decision. It also means you’re not afraid to say no, in fact say no with conviction, not change your mind and mean it. A man with a plan who believes in his plan is attractive.
Don’t avoid conflict
Remain confident and poised in the face of conflict, or the potential for it. If you’re not a push over then you’ll immediately demonstrate value and attraction ensues. This is so subtle and it relates to the point above in learning when to use NO.
It can be the rude waiter at a restaurant, the person who cut you off in traffic, the cashier who short changed you at McDonald’s, but it really doesn’t matter. When someone subtly tries to take advantage of you or your generosity you need to stand firm and stand up for yourself. If you can’t demonstrate this then she’ll lose all attraction within an instant as it shows you can’t be trusted to protect her. Despite our social conditioning of technological distraction, were all just apes that follow evolutionary patterns of safety in pair bonding.
The key here though is calibration. Men of value, attractive men, don’t fly off the handle or become hot headed like a child screaming and become emotional. They simply know their worth and won’t settle for getting less than what was fair, what they deserved and what they wanted.
Develop mastery (of something, of anything)
Put yourself into situations that are difficult. Achieve something which is really challenging that takes calculated effort and resilience. Discipline and dedication in themselves are attractive, yet they also have a positive feedback loop on your own confidence. We’ve lost our way in the comfort of modern life that we don’t do anything meaningful which can’t be solved without an app. This is a result of a constant need to find a ‘life hack’ for every adversity we face with a simple ‘3 step’ shortcut.
You won’t become a man of value without ‘showing’ your value by working through difficulty.
Build something, fix something, plan something. Learn a skill which will help the family through your new mastery and self-education. This can be as simple as a fixing a leaky tap or as complex as a building a back yard cubby house with plans you’ve downloaded and enhanced, lose 20 kg’s and put on some muscle. The idea is to take a difficult problem and not only find a solution, yet learn something new along the way showing a capacity to grow from the experience.
Remember that the development of value takes time and can’t be simply activated like some form of inner switch. Just because you’ve made the decision to improve doesn’t mean you have. Don’t make this a time to try and show off your approach to becoming the new YOU.
It’s a standard turn off for women when her guy needs to announce the lofty challenges he’s undertaking requesting accolades he thinks he deserves before the work has even been done. Just go about your business and get it done. Yes, share some planning so you’re not secretly in the backyard on the tools for 4 weeks when you should be doing something else, but be the quiet achiever. The reason why this matters is you’re doing this deep work for you.
The frame you need to be tackling all of this under has to be like a covert mission. The only way you’ll succeed in provoking real desire is if you can stay under the radar and not force anything. If you lose frame and start negotiating your value then all bets are off. Real desire, the type of unbridled attraction you must be striving for is only created by her thinking it’s something she wants, not something she has to do out of obligation. It has to be her decision and not yours.
Finally, don’t neglect yourself into feelings that it’s bad to want to develop. You need to look after yourself as no one else will. Your woman doesn’t care about your struggles, they’re yours to own and solve.
There is no time left to lose.