A lot of the work I do with men involves rewiring the way they think about women, relationships and of course where they direct their relationship energy.   It’s staggering though to see the same patterns repeated over and over when it comes to unattractive behaviors.  For all of the intense desire to be more attractive it comes as a surprise that we’re our own best saboteurs.

In talking to guys, this is partly due to the robotic way we move through life without ever questioning our patterns or observing the results from our actions.  It actually IS madness to keep doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. However this is largely what we all do.

What’s even more disappointing, is when a man’s sex life becomes next to nonexistent, guys are quick to throw their hands up and capitulate that they just ‘don’t know what to do anymore’ as they can’t figure her out.  “Why doesn’t she get it, can’t she just see all the things I’m doing for her????”  The story always has the same underlying narrative from men who find themselves in dead bedroom relationships.

What most don’t realize, is that the behavior you had at the start of the relationship was what attracted her to you in the first place.  It’s just that you’ve now been covertly domesticated by her subconscious, now submitting to both her feminine agenda and frame.  Over time it’s your behavior that’s contributed towards the drop in desire and attraction.  She can’t help it, but it’s in her mental firmware to try and change you.

But this is okay, as once you realize that no one cares for your struggles you can find a better outlet for your time and resource energy.  Argue about fairness all you like, she simply cannot ever care for your sacrifices like you want her to. Whilst she might appreciate it, but working tirelessly to earn for the family or taking out the trash doesn’t make her attracted to you.  There are just certain unspoken responsibilities that come with your gender which you’ll never be able to avoid, even if she says she’ll do them herself.  The first step, is to lose the illusion of equality and accept the world for what it is.

Don’t be Unattractive

In reality she didn’t sign up to take care of a man. She wants this security from you.  She’s barley capable of keeping her own emotions under control so the moment she has to invest any mental capital in something you should be doing for yourself, you become instantly unattractive.

The reason why a deep understanding of this is so crucial is because of the polarity within male and female relationships. Women will naturally take the reflective form of the relationship they’re in.  Think of her as like a mirror to your behavior or the water within a container, adapting to the shape which is holding it together.

It’s little surprise that when you ask women what quality they desire most in a man the common answer is confidence.  However have you stopped yourself to think why that is?  What is it about this quality in you that makes her so attracted to you?

For a variety of reasons women are naturally less confident creatures than men. They also have an innate fear of failure. This is why they covet these qualities in men and will often lie about their shortcomings and dismiss any responsibility that doesn’t suit them.  Men of worth, character and of value, will constantly demonstrate the capacity for her to make progress towards her OWN goals that much easier.  You don’t know it, but you are actually the grease for her friction.

Your confidence actually helps release her anxiety as she can trust you’ve got the mental and emotional capital to allow her to try, to fail, to be in her feminine element.  She wants to invest in you, so give her the reason to step into your leadership.

But anybody can create an appealing emotional experience for a short period of time.  Your challenge however, is to sustain her experience in the face of difficulty and adversity and her own subconscious distractions.  She wants to continue basking in your confidence no matter what anybody else does or says and no matter what happens to you. It is this solidity, immovability, and ability to draw boundaries to protect their emotional experience that women are seeking in men. This is what makes you attractive.

It’s time to take a super hard look at what you’re doing and why you feel making these poor choices are necessary. Regular behavioral audits can help reverse the traits that keep you going to sleep for months on end unsatisfied and feeling like you’re house mates at best.  The difficulty is catching yourself in these moments and making changes to your blind spots.  This can be time compressed through coaching combined with emotional self-awareness.

Start avoiding these behaviors at all costs:

  1. Any time you put yourself down or self-depreciate you become unattractive. A confident man who knows his worth wouldn’t be the brunt of a joke, no matter how subtle a shit test he receives.  Instead, he’d be using this as an opportunity to turn the situation around in his favor. Your mind is always eavesdropping on your self-talk so make sure your internal dialogue is positive at all times.
  1. You’re bad with money, logistics and planning. Quite simply, you need to excel in the areas she’s got a deficit in.  This comes back to her needing to compensate for something you should be doing and the attraction suffering as a result. Even in the modern era of women wrestling for the want of equality, if you’re really bad with money then you’re less useful to her and less attractive.
  1. Your own life plan has her at the dead center. Finding your lifes ‘purpose’ has turned into a cliché designed to sell you self-help propaganda, but there is volumes of truth in making whatever your purpose is NOT your relationship.  This is important for so many reasons. Unfortunately, we’ve been conditioned to think that the dream is to pursue only the happy family life with a happy wife. This is utter bullshit. Make your mental compass point inwards. Don’t allow her lure to distract and move you from your mission or she’ll resent you for it.
  1. You stop doing what you did before you got together to start pleasing her. Making her the priority feels like you’re doing the right thing, but this is not going to count for anything but a gradual loss of attraction. This behavior sends a message that you don’t value yourself and consequently, neither will she.  I appreciate that there is a wide range of movement with this pendulum but the needle doesn’t need to show you constantly in a deficit and her on a pedestal.  If you played poker every month with your boys then keep doing it and don’t feel bad. If you stop doing this a number of times it will eventually become an expectation.
  1. You’re all talk with no output. Constantly telling everyone stories about the grandiose plans you have for your life is great if you’re someone who delivers. If you have nothing of real substance to say about what you’re doing then simply don’t say it.  Just get the job done and don’t broadcast anything until you’ve got results to be humble about. Don’t kid yourself, women can see through frauds a mile away.
  1. You give up on yourself. One glaringly obvious pattern I’ve seen with all of the people in my social circle is what happens when you let yourself slip physically. When you look in the mirror and immediately want to put your clothes back on ask yourself, ‘would your partner would want you to do the same thing?’ If this is a resounding HELL YES then you have work to do.  This also extends to whether you’ve still got any sense of style left in you.  If you’ve lost that willingness to get some well fitted, age appropriate clothing then your attraction suffers.
  1. You approach everything with mens logic, attempting to solve issues with simple pragmatism. Know that she’s not capable of understanding the same level of rationale and reasoning you do.  In reality, about 10% of what women say has any real translatable and literal meaning. Instead, focus on how she’s talking and not what she’s talking about. The message is always in the medium and her actions are the only language worth listening to. If you approach tension with logic, even if you’re right, you’ll still lose a fight not worth fighting over.
  1. You let her lead the relationship. Start making the decisions and setting the direction for the relationship, driving it from a place of confidence and self-assurance.  There is nothing less attractive than when your woman has to choose something for you.  If she’s asked you a direct question, repeat to yourself that from this moment on, you’ll never utter the words, “I don’t care, you pick” ever ever again.  Dinners, movies, weekend get aways, walking into buildings, the escalation in the bedroom, all of it. Take her by the hand and lead her through life from your heart and not your head.
  1. You become her emotional dumping ground. She’s not equipped to cope with your emotions, let alone her own so don’t lose frame. You’re not her best friend either so don’t think you can tell her anything at all without there being a consequence in how she sees you.  Context is key here too. If you go the other end of the extreme and become an iron stoic with the emotion of a Terminator you’ll still be seen as unattractive.
  1. Your indecisive and can’t make up your mind. Its okay to think about something and not blurt out an answer immediately, but like (8) above, once you’ve made up your mind it really needs to be final. You just have to be decisive.  Know that you are the more logical decision maker and trust your gut instinct to have everyone’s best interests evaluated when you’re called upon for a decision.
  1. You avoid conflict. Conflict and tension are necessary ingredients in every relationship as without it, you’re just friends who occasionally rub genitals. However when you don’t address problems head on, and instead withdraw into your head or man cave, then you’re showing an immature sensitivity to your ego and this destroys attraction. Don’t wait until there is no love or affection left to build on to have the hard conversations as it’s often too late by then. Be aware of your communication loop. Often the less you say, the more anxious they become.
  1. You are needy as hell. Whining, debating or highlighting what you’ve done for her and the family, i.e. how much money you make, shows selfish neediness. If your ego needs emotional validation then she just can’t be attracted to you. No amount of anything that you do inside history will count in the present moment. In the mind of your woman, there is no such thing as relationship equity.

Final thoughts

While attraction is a delicate balance that can ebb and flow over time and with what you do and say, one universal truth remains.  You cannot negotiate true desire.  There is simply no way you can trade your way into having someone desire after you as it simply doesn’t work like this for men.

Fortunately, men of value don’t need to desperately vie for attention and purchase attraction through acts of service.  If you’re constantly chasing all the time then you’re working for her, not on yourself and importantly, she’s not working to keep you. You have a choice to now flip the tables and self check how your behavior has influenced the state of your current relationship. But this can be done.

She remains attracted to you because your frame is as unwavering as the same day you landed her. Because you’re the captain, you take the lead, and as the first officer, she’s happy to be along for the ride. She’s attracted to you because you create emotion in her that’s not logical.  She’s attracted to you and treats you as a reflection of the presentation you give her.  That presentation is always a man of value that she can trust.  This demonstration of self-worth, this subtle aloofness to her testing will show her that she has no choice BUT to be attracted to you.

Be the prize

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