Adam Aleks | 4 minute read
Now technically, you’re not going to die if you don’t get sex. You could probably masturbate to relieve yourself or live a sexless existence due to a physical disability and live a productive life as satisfying as you can manage it. If you don’t know what you’re missing or if a sexual substitute does the job, what’s the difference, right? I mean, it isn’t food, water or oxygen so sex isn’t really a necessity for existence, right?
The unhealthy disconnect here is that men do in fact need sex. We can attach other aspects to the sex act, like love, emotion, commitment, etc., but on a base level your body needs sexual release in one form or another.
Yes, you can wilfully override the need, just like you can overcome hunger while you’re fasting or on a hunger strike, but the need is still there. Once hunger, breathing and thirst are satisfied, sex is the single most influential drive the human species (really, most any species) is motivated by.
Society is driven by sex, our cultures evolved around it and you, being a healthy man, shouldn’t feel bad for wanting it.
However there is a “chicken and the egg” feedback cycle with you being a better man and you getting better sex. All it takes is a little laziness creeping into your relationship and you can hit a patch of not getting enough sex, so you start getting a little moody, so she likes you less, so you get less sex. Suddenly there’s a negative feedback cycle kicking in creating a slow spiralling death towards a sexless marriage; you want more sex and she wants you to be better and neither one of you get what they want.
You just lie there in bed next to each other lonely and confused as to how you got there. If you’re the man, you have to fix the problem. This is not one of those “man up” speeches where you get the blame for everything. You have to fix the problem because you are the only one that can fix the problem. She can’t, through an act of willpower, make herself want to have sex with you. Pay attention to the difference here, it’s critical you understand this.
She can make herself have sex with you, she just can’t make herself want to have sex with you. So, when you have sex with her, you will know in your heart of hearts, that she does not really want you inside her. Instead of sex with her making you feel loved and accepted, it actually slowly eats you up from the inside.
The thing you wish most of all is for her to want you in the moments you are joined together. Without feeling her desiring you, your relationship will continue to struggle and flounder into unhappiness. She can’t fake it until you make it… because you can’t make it if she fakes it.
However as the husband, you may not even want to become a better man for her, but you can force yourself to take action and become a better man. Once you become that better man, she will begin to want you again and a positive feedback cycle can start.
Female sexuality responds to male sexuality, so you have to take the lead. If you are in a low sex relationship and you want more from her, you have to change you, to break out of the rut you are both in. Once the positive feedback loop kicks back in again, the relationship can start changing for the better very quickly.