Adam Aleks | 16 minute read
It would be fair to say that when most women hear the word ‘Dominance’, they’re unlikely to melt into you and get all weak at the knees. In fact as far as words go, it’s not one you want to drop around women literally. When you say dominance, what they hear is misogyny.
However it’s the failings of us men that are mostly the problem behind why women have developed an interpretation of dominance in this way.
Social engineering, through the inversion of values, has most of us thinking that for a man to be dominant and lead his woman means oppressing her, and that her consequential submissive following of him is like being enslaved. Okay, that’s over the top but I’m trying to say how incorrect and misplaced this interpretation is.
Much of the general dissatisfaction and unhappiness I see in relationships stems from the incapacity for one or either sex to fulfil their roles as dominant and submissive. Whilst modern women could on one hand be considered insolent, ball-busting “followers”, I do believe it’s largely on us men being ineffectual and submissive as “leaders”.
But stop already Adam! I hear you say, it’s not us, it’s the insecurity of women brainwashed by feminism who are uncomfortable in their femininity that we hear the cries of execration denouncing masculine authority!!
…and yes there is some truth in this (calm down).
The culture of toxic femininity, against the natural and healthy roles of man and woman have been perverted to the extent that the mere idea of man leading his woman is deemed offensive. Any modern woman will cry inequality and say this view is at the very least backward and regressive in its stance.
This isn’t the 60’s anymore Adam and we’re strong independent women!
You’re right, it’s not the era of co-dependence when a woman’s livelihood relied on a provider husband. But it’s not all black and white either.
I think that neither end of the spectrum makes for good relationship material. Although dominance and submission is necessary for a relationship to take place, a woman’s love is based upon respect, and her inability to respect a man SHE has been burdened to lead will ultimately conclude in her loss of love for him.
Is it any wonder so many women become bored, have affairs and initiate divorce? So if there’s going to be any finger pointing here, it’s on men as failed leaders.
The reason why it’s so important is that if you’re not leading, she will and this ultimately results in disaster for you.
Within the Feminist sociocultural influence we see today, there has been a normalisation of the paradigm in which the woman leads, or each party is somehow “equal” in the most intangible, and subjective of ways. I saw this play out with a lot of my friend’s parents where the mother was consider ‘the boss’.
And be it that this supposed equality is defined by the sentiment of the believer, yet equality is a fiction, and all romantic relationships are hierarchically contingent upon a leader-follower dynamic to take healthy form and function.
Equal in importance, but not in role or responsibility.
The idea that each party is equal to the other isn’t entirely accurate. I’ve watched first hand as the confusion where nobody leads or follows, but rather each makes a sort of ‘proposal’ to the other person thinking this will work. This is just a dysfunctional relationship.
The absence of a subtle hierarchy is chaos. To aim for and idealise equality serves only to promote more chaos in the relationship. It is inconceivable to think how one could reach consensus within a democracy of two. “Well, where do you want to go for dinner?” “I don’t know, wherever you want to go” – and so on.
Eventually someone concedes to the authority of the other, and without concession there is no basis for relationship, but merely a series of conflicts that lead to inevitable resentment by whoever the most frustrated person is in the relationship.
It might sound harsh, but when one person doesn’t concede to the authority of the other, equality is lost. As such, true equality is a pipedream, not a pragmatic relational methodology.
Becoming more dominant
If there’s going to be a leader in the relationship then it has to be you. But this is not a win / lose game but rather a healthy cohesion where everyone benefits.
Healthy dominance is a form of relationship leadership and like any leadership, it comes with responsibility.
The issue is that a dominant mindset takes time to build if you lack it. It occurs subconsciously and it’s not something that can be easily faked. Social conditioning is stacked against men, and most women (wrongly) see submissiveness as weak and shameful. In fact your mother would probably tell you the exact same thing.
So understand, the path you need to take means you’re going to have a lot of uphill work ahead of you and it will literally never end. But if you don’t she’ll eventually resent you for having to take the lead. Leadership can be seen as a burden and a cumbersome one at that.
Dominant individuals by their very nature can lack a certain social and relationship finesse. They are masters of frame control, boundary setting and mental composure but they can be left behind with the emotional side of things like seduction. Their asset isn’t communicating, but making a woman feel safe and provided for.
Women are “at ease” around dominant men, both sexually and emotionally, because their hindbrain (which dictates anxiety) is having its needs met.
What this means though is Dominance always requires two willing participants. You are only as dominant as your girl is submissive. You cannot simply order her around and expect it to work over time. If she simply isn’t willing to submit to you, there is very little you can do and pushing it further will likely kill the relationship.
Perhaps the truest test of how dominant she sees you as a man is in the bedroom. And there is a very good reason why this test is accurate. Unlike politics, dogma and social ideology, sex does not lie, for the heart wants what the heart wants and the purest manifestations of masculinity and femininity are laid bare in the bedroom.
If she’s constantly battling for control in the bedroom and ordering you around, you have little chance of being dominant outside of this space in the real world.
Love and lust are not based on mutual respect. Love is based on mutual care, lust on mutual desire.
That said, most women do have a submissive side to them. Most women love to be submissive both in the relationship and in the bedroom but only by men that can stand up to them and make her feel something.
This is where most guys today get this horribly wrong, thinking that because women generically love dominance from them because they’ve decided to be ‘alpha’. Yet because they don’t have a full grasp about what proper relationship dominance entails, they make mistakes and actually push her away.
In my experience this dynamic only works when there is a mutually beneficial situation for both people. She has to have a ‘need’ to submit.
Very submissive women might want to be the ‘stay-at-home’ housewife you’ve always dreamed about, but in return, she’ll expect you to provide for her, guide her and protect her. It’s like a mutual understanding where she serves your needs as long as you serve her needs.
The mental model most guys have at this point is the subservient wife of the 60’s popularized by nostalgia. But submission goes way beyond the practical things like household role and who brings home the money. In fact, I think this is less important.
A truly submissive woman also expects that you’ll take care of her emotional needs. You need to know how to make her feel. First of all, trust is crucial for dominance as she’s handing over to you what she covets the most.
So know this before you start to think you deserve a level of dominance in your relationship.
Within relationships, it means she has to trust you. She needs to know that she can in fact hand over that power to you safely. She needs to know that you won’t abuse it or turn it against her. Just as importantly, she needs to know that you will protect her and guide her when necessary. This is actually part of her survival instincts.
The insecurities women have are no large secret. Its equal parts ego in so much as it is fear that if a woman is to submit to a man, he might exploit his influence over her to her detriment. Even though it is her desire to yield, and yet her simultaneous fear that should she yield, he might irreparably harm her emotional well-being.
This is why trust is so integral, and must be fostered with great care for you to create and sustain it. Trust is not an easy thing, but a woman cannot truly submit until she trusts a man sufficiently not to abuse his power over her.
When the a woman is around the right man, she has it within the depths of herself irrespective of how dysfunctional she may be to yield and give herself to a sufficiently dominant man.
Dominant men will always evaluate the concerns of their woman. Dominance is not be a tyrant, but when delivered with care and love is more of a paternal frame. This is almost like knowing what she needs before she does and acting on it.
Like in a BDSM setting, if there is no trust, then there is no feeling of safety and there is no balance in the relationship. It’s the ultimate contradiction and mix of emotions what will draw her closer, and closer, to you. She is attracted, because she feels challenged. She is aroused, because she can truly relax. She surrenders, because she feels safe. She is yours, because she is free.
The only way to be granted the respect of your dominance, is to create the feeling of safety for her, but freedom within her. Attempting to negotiate your dominant authority is merely domineering.
So how do you do this?
If we bring this back to the basic tenants of safety and freedom, then you have half the answer. For her to relax, she needs to be comfortable in the distraction of your direction.
She needs to know that you’ve got both your emotions and her emotions under control. This amounts to having a solid, unshakable frame in spite of all her chaos. You’re not the cold hearted immovable stone, but instead you’re the oak, unfazed by anything she says.
She needs to know that you trust in yourself. If you’re second guessing your every move and unable to make a decision then she can’t allow herself the risk of trusting you with her heart. Know that she runs a much higher level of anxiety than you so the ability for you to be poised and constantly in control is paramount to her trusting you.
She needs to see a consistent demonstration of your competence. In other words, you must have your shit together. Not just one part of it, but all of it, career, health, finances, social circles, healthy hobbies. If you think of what’s required to have the paternal capability to raise a child then you’re thinking in partially the right way. This simply amounts to being one step ahead and knowing what to do and when to do it. Ever noticed how parents can do this? Dominant men do the same.
Again, this is why you must continue to build your value and be the man worthy of submitting to.
What this tells you about the nature of women and why it is so important to you
It’s no secret how women will test a man’s mettle over and over. This literally never ends. If you allow her, she will fight you for power, yet resent you when she gets it.
As such, it a man fails to lead, for no matter how much the feminine ego may covet leadership, it is spiritually, emotionally, mentally and psychologically incapable of maintaining the relationship dynamic in a mutually enjoyable way. This just amounts to a constant struggle.
Think of relationships like ball room dancing. Partners that constantly compete for the physical elements overshadow the optimal dynamic that should take place mentally and emotionally when man and woman flow seamlessly together. Imagine the rigid look of both partners trying to simultaneously lead each other?
Dancing, much like relationships, is about complementation and not competition.
It is man’s responsibility to lead, and woman’s to follow. Men are drawn to feminine submission in much the way a woman is drawn to masculine dominance. This basic premise is itself the very basic building block on which attraction is formed. And finally, whether she knows it, or consciously believes in it, all healthy and happy relationships operate on this very foundation.