One of the secrets women will talk to their friends for literally hours about you, is something you’ll never hear directly from them. If you do, chances are you’ve moved into a stage of the relationship where she’s mentally checking out because you can’t “get it”. If a woman needs to explain to you how to lead, how to take charge, or worse yet any variation on how to be more masculine, you’ve essentially received a death sentence to the attraction she has for you.
No one feels empathy for the guy who needs to be told the punch line to a dead obvious joke he should already know the answer to. She reserves this type of emotion for young children who don’t know any better and haven’t yet developed a sense to navigate their surroundings. Think of when kids cry for not being able to do something difficult like ride a bike. This warms her heart in the moment because there’s a sweet innocence in not knowing any better.
But a grown man who needs to be told to keep his emotions in check when the waiter says the restaurant is out of steak, won’t have anywhere near the same reaction in her. The difference in your relationship is that it’s never met with an endearing smile and a helping hand.
The quicker you can “get it”, the better your chance of maintaining attraction.
‘Getting it’, is the absolute inner game confidence in your masculine self. Guys who “get it” don’t need to ask permission before they take the lead, guys who “get it” have a plan and the confidence to execute on it, guys who just “get it” can pass the tests which come their way with a smug smile because they know themselves.
All of this comes from the fact she wants you to be worthy of her attention. She wants to chase something worth chasing. She wants you to be ‘the guy’ instead of telling you who you need to be and doing your thinking for you. This is why you need to not only see yourself as the prize, but actually be the prize worth chasing. Women would rather be by themselves than led by weak men, or better yet, be with a guy who’s not a weak push over.
Inner game confidence can be reclaimed if you can just change your beliefs about yourself.
The good news for men like you, is that your belief system doesn’t need to be so hard-wired in thinking you’re not. Your self-beliefs are the fuel for your emotions and can change based on the quality of the fuel you put in your tank. Your emotions are the result of these beliefs, channeled via your subconscious, dictating how you react to all situations. So if you don’t trust that you’re the prize, you never will be. Fortunately, it is possible to run on a higher octane fuel, just by choosing to do so and working at it.
I know this because at 2 junctions in my life I needed to be told what to do, when I should have just acted on my own confidence and done what was necessary. I didn’t and in both situations I lost immeasurable amounts of value and arguably, reduced the relationship to a point where I was then operating only in her frame. Looking back now, it was these turning points which added to the decline of attraction and eventual demise of the relationships. I didn’t ‘get it’ that I needed to own my own shit.
I know what it’s like to second guess yourself, become passive aggressive to mask your own insecurities and reduce yourself to a state of supplication, needing permission to do just about anything. I also know what it’s like to no longer choose this and cultivate a new belief system to fuel better emotions.
Creating a new belief system to rid yourself of insecurities and become more confident in the areas you feel inferior is one of the most important first steps in improving your relationship. Literally every shit test your woman will throw at you is designed to continually confirm that you’re a genuinely masculine and dominant man. It’s ironic that the tests you get most often you’re likely to fail, but will be the tests she wants you to pass.
Getting back to the ‘good news’ for you as a man of value. If you believe you’re confident, you will be. If you believe you’re in control, you are. If you believe you’re worth something, if you believe you have high-value, others will believe it too. If you don’t believe you have high value, you will project negative messages through your body language and state.
None of this will ever serve you well. The key, is not allowing your success to be limited by these unhelpful beliefs.
This article is the first of 4 which will help give you the tools necessary to start building a more confident you and start ‘getting it’.
However I’m not going to pretend that this is going to be easy. It takes time to reinvent your belief system as you’ve likely had years of negative self-talk programming you to think otherwise. But this is one of the most important things you can ever do for yourself as the need for confidence extends well beyond your romantic relationships.
It’s going to take a lot of work doing your own self-analysis to develop a personal strategy to remake yourself into a confident man of value, losing the inherently beta tendencies you’ve developed over the years.
This is your battle to confront as no one knows your inner road map like you do. I don’t profess to have the answers for you as an individual and neither should any self-help gurus in the manosphere. Changing the inner workings of your personality is dynamic, requiring a certain patience and perseverance, but it can be done. In fact, the success of your relationships depends on it.
Firstly, it’s up to you to decide to have the powerful and positive belief system that will make you confident and of course attractive. If you don’t make a committed effort to acquire these new beliefs then it won’t matter what else you learn. It’s not until you decide to have confident beliefs about yourself that you will be attractive to the women in your life. No amount of reading will make this happen for you. It must be experienced.
A word of prerequisite advice that I missed when I started on my journey. It is infinitely more effective to create a new belief system for yourself and not for that of your woman. Do this just for you and no one else as you stand to benefit from all the gains, not her.
To help put this whole topic into perspective so you can learn to apply a similar process for yourself, I’ll describe the moment I changed a small belief about myself and how it had a massive impact on my confidence.
Part of the mindset I had developed towards the end of an LTR was one where I was ‘washed up’ and no longer a viable option for women any more. So consequently it took a bit of effort to overcome the first mental hurdle of thinking I was “enough”.
For guys coming out of divorce or even reassessing their sexual market value while in a relationship this can be a stunting process. There is always an element of second guessing yourself through the process of evaluating how much you’ve aged, am I too fat now, too bald, not enough style, the list goes on.
Many of the men I’ve spoken to have gone through the same internal review handicap of thinking they’re time was up and resigned themselves to the fact, “I’m just not attractive like I used to be”. This is natural, but in stark reality, you’re a totally different kind of attractive now.
After some soul searching, I learned to at least give myself the opportunity to challenge my belief system that I wasn’t unattractive and ‘see what happened’. I figured that if it worked, then okay, there was something in the process and maybe the negative self-talk wasn’t totally correct.
After all, nothing comes from being closed minded to new opportunities right? But I had to challenge the fact that I still thought I didn’t have the looks any longer to be considered attractive.
The best thing I did was treat ‘being unattractive’ as an experiment, not care about the outcome and look to the value gained from working through the process of testing the hypothesis. It sounds bullshit analytical and when you break it down it actually is, but when you’re dealing with your own insecurities then you need a buffer to minimize the damage to your ego.
I just looked at the way I could break it down into smaller parts and use a rational way to validate my new way of thinking. It’s silly, but when you want to convince yourself of something you need to find a way that works.
I can’t stress how distancing your ego from the effect and result actually is, especially when it comes to women and how long you’ve been conditioned to a scarcity mentality. When you start to personalize what happens after we face our challenges and come up short, you’re totally missing the point of why as men we should try in the first place.
The challenge I took for the ‘am I really unattractive’ experiment was just to have one person prove it wrong. Not through a dating app, but through actually talking to a girl in the real world. I figured, if you want to change a belief from a negative one to a positive one, then I’ll first have to challenge the validity of this negative belief, then see some proof before I could believe and accept it.
Challenge >> Accept >> Proclaim >> Feedback >> Submit
This is all easy textbook stuff right!
Again, I used ‘man style biased’ deductive reasoning to say something to myself like this, “Well if I’m actually unattractive then that would mean that NO ONE in the WORLD is attracted to me in even the slightest bit. Is that true? No I guess not as I’ve managed to get girls in the past. There are SOME women that are attracted to me, even if I don’t seem to be attracted to most of them. So then I’m not unattractive but every girl isn’t throwing themselves at me (yet) either. So I’m not attractive to everyone. So it’s just as likely that I’m attractive as it is that I’m unattractive.
And if I could only believe one of those two, which belief would serve me the most to believe? Well, if I thought I was attractive I’d at least feel better if nothing else. (Notice how this logic would make women’s minds just bend)
So I started to accept internally that I was attractive. First part underway.
In this case, I’d actively chosen to believe that I was attractive instead of unattractive, because that would increase my chances of being treated like I was actually attractive. I knew that thinking this way would get me closer, but not solve the problem.
Like that theory of ‘think it and be it’, this is where most people use a technique called positive affirmations which can be effective at helping you accept a new belief. They don’t however, make the belief a reality yet and in my opinion, can be a seriously bullshit dangerous way to believe something new. How many people who watched The Secret are now millionaires??
I decided to believe that this affirmation ‘would increase my chances’, but I needed to see some money in the bank so to speak. I spent the better part of a week saying to myself, “Damn Adam, you are an attractive man”.
After I started to consciously believe my new belief, I then needed to see if my actions were projecting the same belief. This I knew was going to be hard as it takes the belief out of the safety of closed bedrooms and into the real world. So I looked for a way to proclaim the belief out loud when it came up in normal conversation. It took me a bit of practice but I learned that for it to stick, you have to state it like it’s just a FACT and not your opinion.
The first time I tried to proclaim this belief I was talking with my work colleagues about going out together that weekend and what to wear. I said something along the lines of how I didn’t feel the need to get super dressed up as I was already good looking enough. However it came across like the ‘sweet enough’ answer to that line when someone asks you ‘if you want sugar in your drink’, and my own insecurities surfaced in the submission process and everyone cracked up. Bad news in the moment as I retreated into failure. Strike one against me.
The next day though I had the same conversation with a female colleague at work about our respective plans for the weekend. I said much the same thing, but this time really focused on maintaining a solid frame and keeping my composure during the delivery. I was deliberately wanting to test myself here and put my ego on the line and said something deliberately arrogant.
I clearly remember her response to my attempt at boldness, “wow, you really think you’re top shit now don’t you?”
I recognized the opportunity and really amplified my response, “well, yeah I actually do”.
She laughed just like the boys did earlier but the difference was I didn’t fawn into her frame and agree, I just held her gaze and smugly smiled a cocky grin. Inside I was dying and literally wanting to burst into laughter and make it look like I intentionally meant to make her laugh, but I held ground and didn’t budge. After what felt like an eternity she just went, “yeah, you know what, you’re not that bad looking you know”.
That happened to be a major turning point in my life.
When I realized I could hack into my brain, hack into my belief systems, that’s when I really began to study self development with a keener eye as I saw what confidence can come from action. In fact, being aware that you can control your value just by believing that you are attractive is such a powerful concept that this alone will give you massive amounts of success very quickly. The key I found was to validate it with yourself quickly and through a significant enough test. Not a piss easy test, but not something you know you’ll likely fail either.
This is the one of the simplest ways I found to develop new confidence by replacing a limiting belief with one that serves you. This put me back onto a path where I started to trust in myself again. This was the springboard into a new world of renewed confidence.
Ultimately, a woman is looking for a man who is more valuable today than he was yesterday, and who will be more valuable tomorrow than he is today. This has nothing to do with money.
Focus on the feeling that you are worth more and deserve more, as a man who is successful with women has a high perceived self-worth. This is confidence.
The guys who feel that they’re improving everyday are the truly attractive men of the world. That’s a very, very powerful belief system to create.
So if you want to be attractive to women, I suggest that you create the belief system that, everyday, you are more attractive than the day before. Like in my situation with the guys at work, if anyone ever doesn’t find you attractive on a particular day, then your chances will be better the next day.
It’s their loss because you’re going to keep improving, and the next time they see you, you’ll be a more attractive man. This also plays into the idea that you are taking steps everyday towards becoming exactly who you want to be as a man. And if you don’t feel like that is the case, it’s most likely because you haven’t really thought about who you want to be as a man.
Just keep in mind that insecurities are only unattractive when you hide them or you ignore them. You’re going to have to get past them eventually because that’s part of what becoming more valuable means, but they’re only unattractive insecurities if you try to conceal them or pretend that they don’t exist. If you face them, and are constantly trying to correct and overcome them, you will be exhibiting another quality that is attractive in a man.
Embrace your insecurities, but make sure you’re always working towards having fewer of them tomorrow than you have today. Consistently challenging and molding a new belief system based on real feedback is the best way to rid yourself of insecurities and become more confident in areas in which you feel inferior. For me this was the only way to sustain confidence and continually build out attraction in my life.