How many times have you had fights when you don’t even know why you’re fighting? Again, you’ve become the peace keeper, always tempering her frustrations and anger, which seems constantly pointed right at you.

If you’re over being the emotional crutch and punching bag for all the wrong reasons, then it’s high time you assessed the strength of your frame.     

If you only ever learn one thing from self-improvement, if you master one thing about yourself, learning to calibrate and operate in your Frame is the single most important skill in your arsenal.  Frame is knowing that at your core, you believe your reality has a ‘certainty for everything you do’.  

Frame is not foolhardy confidence.  When you operate in your reality, you show agency over your emotions, strong composure and self control. This is Frame, and your frame is everything. 

Frame is what you consider as normal.  This state will manifest itself as a calm demeanor in the face of difficulty

Nowhere is this more important than with women. The double standard of relationships is that women want a man who can handle his problems, and the ones she can’t.

For attraction to thrive, you must believe in your frame, more than she believes in her perception of reality.  Keeping a strong frame is the only way to stay attractive, more than the chiselled good looks, social status or charm. It’s really that simple. When you find yourself fawning to a woman and adopting her perception, she’s literally drying up in front of you and losing any attraction.  

Over time I’ve found though, this goes deeper than just a forced mindset you repeat to yourself over and over. For it to be effective when you need it the most, it has to be a sense of self.  At your core you must innately know that you believe in your capabilities enough to tackle anything. This belief, is also the determining factor on what you can and will accomplish in life. This is especially true in social settings, your close relationships and also with your employer. The only limitation is you and not your circumstances.   

So now that you know this, what do you think it’s costing you?

How many times have you allowed your state to sway in a negative direction when you’re tested by a woman?  Fights over something small, fights over nothing. She knows this and knows what will make you buckle but will keep doing it subconsciously. This is part of her wiring and partly a test of how much she can trust you.

It doesn’t matter if this in day 1 or day 1,001 of a long term relationship, it’s her job as a woman to test you.  Fail in your resolve often enough and the attraction will die a slow death. This is worth repeating, fail enough tests of your mettle and your signing your attractiveness away one paper cut at a time. 

What can you do about it?

The simple answer is just to hold frame, but this can take time and coaching. The best place to start is by first changing how you see yourself.     

The greatest falsehood is that women want you to fail their tests.  If you retreat into a position where you don’t even entertain these tests, then you’ve already failed. The message you’re sending is “I’m avoiding your challenge now, which will also mean I’ll avoid more serious conflict later”. This will take you backward beyond belief.   

Women want to be with the man who’s frame is stronger than theirs. 

The good news, is that she’ll continue to test you for as long as you’re together, so enjoy the meaningless fights as an opportunity to sharpen your frame skills.  The only way these can reduce over time is for you to get good at balancing humor, playfulness and subtle amplification. If your only line of defence is to explain or rationalize through logic then you’ve already lost. Embrace the chance to enforce some boundaries. 

The answer, the secret to all of this frame science doesn’t lie in well scripted lines or smart ass come-back techniques.  The answer is already inside of each and every one of you. Believe that you are already enough, that you bring immense value to the world and feel it with your entire being.  

Here are my thoughts on fine tuning your frame inside a relationship, with some real word tips on what to do and what not to do. 

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