Adam Aleksandrowicz | 8 minute read
The other day I was asked how on earth I “started over” and got back into dating again after so long out of the game. Maybe it’s a mysterious surprise to some when you’re 40, single, yet find a way to bring a positive energy into new interactions with women and remain upbeat. I never thought of myself as a write off but then again, it didn’t always come natural to me like it does now.
At the time I didn’t give it much thought. I genuinely just said to myself, dude suck it up and get out there and share the value you bring into the world. Try, fail, fail again, fail some more and keep at it.
I talk about some of that experience in this podcast I did last week with Coach Bahman. He’s a great guy and has an awesome knack for steering a discussion so if you’ve got the time to watch the clip, check it out here.
But mindset aside, I had incentive to learn and get good with women again as I loved their feminine energy and always wanted that presence in my life. It’s simply something a man can’t get anywhere else. Part of me understands why some guys ‘check out’, but I guess they’re not drawn to women like I am. For me, the juice is worth the squeeze when you attract the right woman into your life.
But the question did get me thinking about what made this work for me? What was the model that ended up giving me the best results in both creating attraction and making such an impression, which left ME with the choice of pursuing someone further?
So this tear down is a summary on how I did that. (I have to give a shout out to Heartsie for some of the background frame I took into dating). Check out the 16 commandments if you’re not familiar with it.
I get asked by guys in my DM’s, why I’m not getting a second date or why am I seen as more of a friend type, so I wanted to put together a list of things you need to stop doing and stop it right now.
These are the 10 most common problems I see men make in dating and sabotaging their chances of holding the dominant frame from day 1.
However before we get into it, there’s a few underlying characteristics you need to really nail in your personality for this to work congruently. If you don’t, you’ll always be seen as the ‘safe bet’ provider type that’s more useful for his provisioning traits and comfort, than the guy who’s getting his clothes torn off in the bathroom.
It’s no surprise to us all, but you want to be the latter.
Take the successful lawyer who goes to the gym all the time, has nice clothes and a nice car and a great haircut. What is actually human about him? The one thing I didn’t realize until much later was if you’re constantly trying to show how you strive for perfection, women will are always going to expect you to be ‘perfect’. And perfect is BORING as hell.
We must fall in order to rise. The little goodie who strives to be perfect in all his manners with everyone is going to be surpassed by the guy who lets his eccentricities rise in his dealings. Perfection is boring. To be Human is Beautiful.
Don’t be afraid to be different and show a side of you that she might not like. Why do you care if she doesn’t like your taste in music, art or literature? The last thing she needs is to be sitting next to an agreeable monkey that’s desperate to keep the peace and not say anything incorrect.
Drop the shyness and embrace how radically different you are. Capitalize on your differences and confidently go after what you want with gusto and sexual energy.
Sexual energy is the most potent creative force that we have access to. It’s quite literally the energy that creates life. It’s also the energy that moves us, through our powerful desire, the force that energizes and enlivens us. It’s our fiery, inextinguishable creative essence so use it to power you through interactions without suppressing it.
When a man stops his sexual expression, his vitality, his potency and his passions are taken away. It’s why the emasculating of a man is so detrimental to his power. Men who understand feminism understand this.
Ok, I rambling somewhat but this shit is important. If you’re not setting the right foundation from day 1 then you end up getting ‘Pidgeon holed’ as a certain type of guy. This is near on impossible to come back from down the track.
So you’ve now got your frame right, you genuinely believe in yourself as ‘the prize’ and you know you’re a man of immense value. Let’s then get into some logistical tips that will set you up as the confident type BEFORE you even have that date.
You have ample opportunity at the start of the connection to set the tone with your frame. And besides, you should be being the guy you need to be, leading the interaction by demonstrating that leadership.
So keep the texting light and fun and always keep the light cocky tension up. Your goal is “a date” remember not texting tennis. Go with something like this:
Me: I’m not sure I believe you, let’s find out over a simple drink.
Me: Thursday after work or Saturday afternoon are open for me at the moment
Me: Let me know if you’re up for it and I’ll pick us a nice place
What you’re doing is giving two options that are well enough apart. You’re also letting her know that you’ll be choosing a place. All she has to do is tell you what works for her.
This firmly demonstrates leadership and a sense of confidence by being direct. The ‘at the moment’ part is enough to create doubt that there’s a chance she might miss out.
For me, I always go for a drink date first and never dinner. I like this idea for a few reasons. There is a chance you actually won’t click. Funnily enough not everyone will find you attractive and you’re better off finding that out early. Secondly, doing ‘dinner’ puts you too much into the provider frame upfront even if you go half on the bill. I also find that when you eat and drink, having a full stomach inevitably slows you down.
Unless things are really exceptional, I like to limit a drink date to around the hour mark and be the one ending the conversation. If you don’t make the mistakes below then you’ve positioned yourself as the one who is both a man in demand, and less invested in the process of ‘making her like me’.
If you can’t escalate well enough in this first hour then a second hour isn’t going to convince her. Cutting the time short shows you have options. It also firmly demonstrates that you’re not actively chasing and simply looking for novel ways to be seductive.
This behavior is paradoxically attractive as it instills a slight sense of anxiety in her that “maybe he doesn’t like me”. This is how you frame yourself a ‘the prize’ and this is how you get her invested in YOU.
Now let’s get into the 10 mistakes guys make and what you should be doing. Remember, the mindset you go into this with is critical. You’re the confident, radically different man who’s incredibly comfortable in his sexuality and value!
The 10 mistakes
- You don’t assume immediate rapport. You have about a micro second to make a good first impression and there is no better way to kill the vibe than to be rigid and nervous. Instead, offer her the opportunity to hug you when you first meet. Start talking to her like you already know her and expect that she’ll go along. This creates immediate comfort as you’ve skipped the ‘getting to know you’ part and you’re already friends.
- You ‘over compliment her beauty’ with comments about her looks. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with saying she looks lovely tonight if she’s genuinely gone to a lot of trouble. But the frame you should come from is one where you’re impervious and unaffected by her beauty. She needs to feel that going on dates with hot women is normal for you and she’s not doing you a favor.
- You give off the “I’m really eager” type of vibe showing neediness. Women will always mirror your frame. If you’re attracted to her then great, this should raise your energy enough for her to feel it and in turn raise her attraction. However the trick is balance. For me I’d always tease a girl within the first 20 seconds of meeting. I like to make a playful observation about what she’s wearing with a wry grin. Shrug off any reaction she might have and tease her with your confident masculine vibe. She’ll start to fall under your frame from the start.
- You sit opposite each other on a table like a fucking job interview. I can’t believe I need to say this but you MUST be sure to sit side by side at either a bar or on a couch as without that closeness, you’ll find it hard to reach over and touch her. Position yourself where you both have the opportunity to get closer.
- You let her lead the conversation. This is a huge problem with guys who are worried they’ll offend so they let conversations drift all over the place. She needs to be doing the majority of the talking but you must be leading the conversation. You do this by mostly asking questions and probing with “so tell me why you feel that way”. Don’t be afraid to cut her short when she’s rambling and bring the conversation back to where you want it to go.
- Your body language isn’t oozing 1,000% confidence. Be confident, lean back and be relaxed. Never have your shoulders rolled forward. The most important and overlooked point though is your eyes. You need to make piercingly strong eye contact (think Russell Brand), but balance it by looking away every now and then. You can seduce a woman who doesn’t speak your language purely with body language and eye contact.
- You don’t touch enough, or at all, or too much. None of these are good for you, but if you take anything away, make sure you’re at least touching her when the timing is right. For the first 10 minutes it’s mostly “get to know you chit-chat” with the occasional tease thrown in. Make sure though it’s a higher energy on your part to get things going. If the vibe is right and she’s following your lead and laughing, then start by touching her hand by interrupting what she’s saying. Touch her inner elbow, knee to emphasize points in your story.
- You play it safe with the conversation, staying only in a politically correct frame. Confident guys can test the limits by starting to work in verbal escalations. This took me some practice but mentally you always need to be reading queues and staying one step ahead. Fractionate between escalations and normal basic ‘chit chat’ about her family and aspirations. Calibrate how far you push this based on the energy of her responses and body language. But the key here is to be bold, don’t play it so damn safe. Think of questions like, What’s your guilty pleasure? or “What kind of guys do you like”? When was your last significant relationship? What was the sex like? Even towards the end of the date ask, “What do you like about me”?
- You don’t demonstrate your value in the right way. You need to look for opportunities to throw in the occasional story that shows you’re the prize, i.e. make comments to show you are “woke” and get the “secret society”. This isn’t about your job, your savings or your holiday destinations. Value is perceived differently when you’re not offering up your provisioning. An idea you can use is to say something like how “it’s a double standard that women get judged and I think that’s wrong. We’re all sexual beings, and it’s a shame society makes women hide it.” This type of frame goes a long way to letting her know its okay to get comfortable with you as the “lover” instead of a beta “provider”.
- Finally, I get asked often, when shouldn’t I go in for a kiss? At the start of my dating life I was shooting for ANY opportunity to do this once I got the right vibe. I’m still a believer in this approach, but I can see where this works for guys by waiting until date 2. If you wait, then it’s likely she’ll think “well we didn’t kiss on the first date, so we’ll probably just do that tonight” and she’ll be more comfortable with you escalating. But if the energy and tension between the 2 of you is right then you should go for it. The best way though is to allow her to “give permission”. I don’t mean this in a beta supplicate way, but rather you’re allowing her to give herself permission. Look at her eyes, then look at her lips, then back into her eyes in a triangular way. Say to her, “its okay, you can kiss me, I want to kiss you to.”
Thank me later for that one!
Now this isn’t a ‘to do’ list you need to tick off and to be honest, I don’t even like calling it a script. Think of it as a working strategy for building attraction in the shortest possible time frame. Don’t forget that it’s all underpinned by you framing yourself as ‘the prize’ right away.
Women these days are inundated with men who’ll do anything for them for a chance of bedroom action so you need to be different. If you want the date to escalate then you really need to give the vibe you believe in your value and ability to create options in your life. This is the same mindset you should adopt in dating on day 1, or an LTR and day 1,000.
I wrote another article on rapport which is great for a date 2 approach when you’re getting deeper and want to really know her.
Get out there kings and be the prize!